Harry Potter and Tom the Bar Lord
by Raven of the Shadows
Summary: Harry's first to the bar. Will he kill a person or two? Or will he himself die? (This is a parody; nothing should be taken seriously)


**Harry Potter and Tom the Bar Lord**

Celebration.

That was Harry Potter's favourite word. If someone looked around carefully, they would always find some or the other reason to celebrate.

And today, Harry was going to celebrate. Because he had two amazing best friends, Ron and Hermione. Because he had a beautiful girlfriend, Ginny. Because they were done with their school. Because his godson had learnt a new word. And because he felt like he should celebrate.

So, he gathered his best friends, his girlfriend, and his other friends from school, and took them all to the bar.

It was a bar his parents had really liked. James and Lily Potter had come thrice here in their life, and when they were coming for the fourth time, they had died in an accident. Harry had met the owner of the bar a few times in passing, but he had not really gone to the bar before. That was why he had decided to go this bar, owned by a man called Tom, today.

The group went to the bar and sat around the table in the middle, because, well, Harry and his friends loved attention. Harry looked around. The people who were sitting in groups in the corners — they looked like commoners — were all wearing dark cloaks, and their faces were chalk-white, like they had never seen the sun.

The bar itself was dark and dingy. The black wallpaper was coming off at places, showing the dark grey walls. Huge, snake-like pillars supported the pitch-black ceiling, and the chandeliers were in the shape of human skulls. The tables were covered in grime, and the the armrests on the chairs were almost all broken. He could feel the splinters digging into his back. The metallic taste of blood hung in the air. The pillars and the furniture cast huge shadows in the dim red light coming from the glowing embers in the fireplace. The place looked eerie. It was beautiful!

Harry observed the bartenders. They looked like mad people.

There was this woman with a tangled-up mane of black hair who cackled each time she poured a drink.

There was a man with long blond hair, who stood stiff like a pole, but for some reason, had a walking stick with a snake motif in his hand.

Another man had a crazy look on his face, and each time his tongue flicked out, Harry couldn't help but shudder.

There was a fat, small, rat-like man, too. He was staring at Harry like he knew him. _Must have known my parents_ , Harry thought.

Then there was the owner. Harry could not see Tom's face, but he had just overheard someone saying that Tom's nickname was Voldy. Harry could understand that; all the glasses in the bar were quite mouldy.

Harry _loved_ this place!

Oh, how he wished he could own this bar.

Harry turned to a man who was sitting at the table next to them. Under the hood, he could make out the man's ink-black eyes, greasy hair, and hooked nose. "Are you a commoner?" he asked.

"Obviously," the man drawled.

Harry turned back to his table. Across from him, his best friends were bickering — when were they not? — about which drink would be better. Hermione was rattling off facts from _Alcohol: A History_ , and Ron was spouting nonsense. The usual.

He felt Ginny lace her fingers through his. "I love this place, Harry," she whispered in his ear.

"Me, too. I love it when our choices match." He kissed her on the lips.

He pulled away and grinned at her. She smiled.

Then, Tom, the owner of the bar, turned towards them. All thoughts of Ginny left Harry's head. Tom — or Voldy, as he was popularly known as — had blood-red eyes with slit for pupils, pale skin, and the almost white lips. Harry thought someone had punched Voldy's nose inside his skull. He had a bald head, though he might have cracked his skull a couple of times. He was so sexy, Harry could drool. For some reason, Harry felt like singing this Muggle song, _You are a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,_ for Voldy. He almost blruted out:

" _The three words that best describe you  
Are as follows, and I quote,  
_' _Stink, stank, stunk!'"_

Right then, Ginny swooning at Voldy by his side snapped Harry out of his trance.

"Ginny," he hissed, "you just told you loved _me_."

"Did I?" Ginny asked, her eyes not wavering from Voldy's face. "I'm sorry then." Harry turned back to Voldy.

"My lord!" the rabid-looking bartender woman was licking Voldy's feet. Before Harry could say anything, Voldy spoke. "Harry Potter! I see you have come to die, at last."

His voice was so sexy, it took Harry a minute to register the words. "What?"

"The prophecy, boy," Voldy said, a hint of anger creeping into his voice. He pointed to a woman in rags who was sitting in the corner, lapping up cheap sherry from something which looked like a broken crystal ball. "She prophesied that you would challenge me in the ownership of this bar. I killed your parents! That day, you were not with them, and you were saved. Today, I will kill you, and then, I will rule over this bar forever!"

"You killed my parents?" Harry asked, incredulous. This sexy hunk was his parents' murderer? He obviously couldn't kiss Voldy, so Harry decided he could settle on the next best thing. "I will kill you!" Harry wanted to scream! He had come to the bar for celebrating, but, of course, nothing happened like it should in Harry Potter's world. Now, he had to kill this man.

Voldemort laughed. Even his laughter was captivating, but Harry forced himself out of the entrancement. "I am the creator of this bar, Harry Potter. There are six things in this bar which contain my soul. I cannot be killed unless you destroy them. I am immortal."

"And how do you know which things contain your soul?" Harry asked.

"They glitter in the sunlight, of course. Could you not tell that is why I keep the bar dark?"

Harry turned to his friends, and they nodded. Stepping forward, he grabbed Voldy's shoulders and turned him around. He placed his hands over Voldy's eyes, hissing "Now you can't see" in his ear. His friends — Ginny, Ron, Luna, Neville — ran to the windows and opened them, and light streamed in. Hermione stood there, her hands on her hips, a eyebrow raised. "Are you an idiot, Harry?"

Harry wanted to kick her; he didn't have time for her and her logical thinking right now. "I know what I am doing," he told her.

"No you don't."

"Okay I don't but the that I do made me feel better. Now, are you going to help me or not?"

She sighed, but nodded. Harry breathed in relief.

Around him, the commoners and the bartenders cried in outrage. They stood up, chorusing, "Long live the Bar Lord!" Harry swore.

Suddenly, the door to the bar flung open, and there stood the Weasleys, the Lupins, and a lot of other people whose names Harry couldn't bother remembering. Harry sighed in relief.

Just as the crazy bartender woman tried to grab Ginny, Molly Weasley pulled the woman by her hair and punched her face. "Don't touch my daughter, you bitch!" she cried.

Everyone from Harry's team chose a Voldy's minion to fight. Punches, kicks, and slaps flew around. Some people even picked up the battered furniture to hit each other with.

"Found one, Harry!" Hermione cried from one side, and crushed the glass containing Voldy's soul under her feet.

"Same here, mate," Ron told from the other side of the room. A minute later, Luna and Ginny gave their confirmations, as well. Voldy had started struggling, and Harry was having a hard time keeping him in place

At that moment, a woman's head toppled over like a bottle's cap, and a huge, glittering snake slithered out. Neville picked up a piece of shattered window glass, and chopped the snake's head off.

"Five done, one to go," Hermione announced, looking around for the next piece.

"Oh no," Harry announced as a light-bulb went off inside his head. He felt as if his old school headmaster had been speaking inside his head, but he wasn't sure. "I remember now. I destroyed that thing years back."

Hermione glared at him, and Harry shivered, his hold weakening. Voldy let out a scream and turned, hitting Harry in the head with a shot-glass. Harry crumpled to the ground.

"Harry Potter is dead," Voldy cried. "I will own this bar forever, now."

Harry stood up, crying, "You won't!" A sharp piece of glass fell out of his forehead and into his hand. It was glittering. Harry gasped. "You put a piece of your soul in _my_ body?" He growled and pierced Voldy's throat with the glass shard, and Tom the Bar Lord was no more.

Just as Voldy's body hit the ground, the walls shook. The pillars crumbled, and the roof started coming down in some places.

Harry, his friends, and the other survivors ran out of the bar.

Harry Potter stood in the street, staring, as his favourite bar fell. Tears flowed down his cheeks, and he dropped to his knees. There would be no reason to celebrate for him now. The bar, which could have been his, was no more.

 **o§o**

* * *

 _This story is dedicated to Jenny (Claude Amelia Song) because she is an amazing person._

* * *

 **Word Count:** 1574

 **Prompts used:**

From Yule in Skammdegi

• Drinking Beer: Write about someone going out for a drink to celebrate.  
• Song: _You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch_

From Writing Club

• Bartender Appreciation Day - Bar/Club!AU. Alt: Write about meeting a friend/friends for drinks.

From Gringotts

• A-Z of AU prompts: Bar  
• Pairing: Harry/Ginny Weasley  
• Crack Dialogue: "I know what I am doing"/"No you don't"/ "Okay I don't but the that I do made me feel better".


End file.
